Grief

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but
for the heart to conquer it.

― Rabindranath Tagore

I am writing this for my sister who is undergoing a tremendous amount of pain right now. I can't compare what I've gone through with what you are going through right now. But I know someone who went through the same thing. Two years ago, I witnessed a mother losing a child right in front of her, while her other two children lay bloodied a few feet away. In my darkest of days, it was her sobbing that haunts me the most. 

She visited me in my hospital room a few days after, looking lost and confused. She was alone and she only speaks a few words of English, but she held my hand and told me she love me. Her companion soon followed and told me they are leaving to return to Indonesia in a few days. They have cremated her son and her two daughters are in stable condition. The mother kept repeating her son's name, somehow reassuring herself, and me, that he had existed. All I can remember after that is a cloud of tears as she requested everyone in the room to pray for me and my healing, when she herself has lost more than I did. 

I've kept in touch with her through Facebook and in every milestone and important events, she sends me one phrase "I love you, Nina". I am in awe of her capacity to love and to keep going through life, when I would have been an embittered husk. 

Sis, you ask me to teach you how to be strong, but this woman, and you, are far stronger than I could ever imagine. Despite my moaning and groaning and endless paawa moments, what I lost can, and have been, replaced. I don't have an easy answer for you, because grief is a bitch. It hits you when you least expect it. It wakes you up in the middle of slumber, like a vise gripping your heart. It makes you crazy, making you sob in the most joyous of moments. You're the only one who would know how it will truly feel like, despite other people telling you that it, too, will come to pass. And that time will ease the pain. It won't but it will make it bearable. 

Mars, I may not always know the correct thing to say, and I'm super makakalimutin nowadays, but know that you are in my thoughts. Kung nagdadasal lang ako, sasabihin ko na din na in my prayers. You may feel that you have to put a brave front, for the sake of your children, and that you have to be the rock in your family. You don't have to be anything. Sabi nga ni pareng Rab ( short for Rabindranath), I pray not for pain in your heart to go away, but for your heart to be big enough to also let love in and share that love with those around you. It may not be soon, and it will definitely not be easy. But I'll be here to offer my shoulder to cry on (wag lang sa right side, di kakayanin ang combined weight nating dalawa) and a ref full of wine to on the days where you just want to be lukaret. 

I love you, Jo :-)

PTSD - or arte as they call it

I have neglected this blog for several months because, frankly, I have nothing to write about. I haven't been on the road since my last trip to Tagaytay with my friends back in June. I was supposed to leave for my first trip to Hongkong in August and then another trip to Singapore a couple of months back but I begged off because of work. Well, partly. The truth is, I'm scared of travelling. Particularly, I'm scared to be on the road again.

Bravado can only take me so far. But when faced with a real-life situation, I fall into pieces. At least, inside I was. The official diagnosis was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Wikipedia defines PTSD as:

a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma.^[1][2][3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual's ability to cope

(from http://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/complex-ptsd/)

Symptoms include intense negative feelings of  fear, helplessness or horror (check), re-experiencing the original trauma through flashbacks or nightmares (check on flashbacks), avoidance of stimuli associated with trauma (will never ride on a bus ever again) and increased hypervigilance (check. I'm always in a relaxed crash position everytime I ride a motor vehicle. Kung pwede lang magseatbelt pag nakasakay sa tricycle, gagawin ko).

It hurts me when people tell me to "get over it" or conclude that I'm milking my accident whenever I express my fears. It makes me feel maarte or that my feelings are trivial. I have tried to overcome it, I still do in a daily basis. I have stopped talking about my reservations to people and I put a brave front every single day. But it's hard. I feel that in any given second, I will die, and the worse thing is, I feel that everyone I love will die too everytime we're together in the same car. Maybe it's because I witnessed a whole family injured when I had my accident and how painful it is to see a loved one dying before your eyes. I'm not scared to die. I was surprised I didn't die. I don't want anybody else in my family or anybody I know experience what I did.

I guess time will run it's course, just like how my limbs adapted to my new normal. In the meantime, forgive me if I cringe everytime I'm on the road. I'm really trying to be better.

Astoria Staycation

I was invited by my high school friend, Karen, for an overnight staycation at the Astoria Plaza. She has a voucher for a 2-bedroom suite from the timeshare package she purchased recently. I was offered the same deal when I was in Boracay two years ago but I scoffed at the ridiculous price tag. Well, let's see what I missed then.

The unit is very spacious, with a living area, dining table and chairs and fully functioning kitchen. The entertainment console in the living room even includes a DVD player. The design of the place is simple yet relaxing, with earth colors dominating the decor. We had a hard time finding the plates and utensils but that's because there's too many darn cabinets in the kitchen.

After settling in, we proceeded to the pool area on the 5th floor as my inaanak, Karl, wanted to take a dip.

They have a decent-sized lap pool, if not a bit dim lit. They also have a roving guard who admonishes those who doesn't have the proper swim attire and those who are roughhousing. The only downside is they don't have nice lounge chairs around the pool area. The 2 sets of lounge chairs I saw by the poolside are made of Monobloc, as well as the bench I settled with. It would have been nice to have a chair and a table nearby as the adults opted to have coffee as the day turns to dusk.

Astoria is not quite strict as my brother was able to go directly to the elevator without being asked when he came in later that night. We also bought booze and supplies from a nearby Ministop and the people at the reception area didn't even blink at our grocery bags. They even helped us carrying it to our unit.

This is an ideal place for an intimate party as the hotel is not strict with food delivery either. While I was waiting on the lobby, I can see families coming in and out carrying cater trays of food and even deliveries from fast food outlets.

Another member of our barkada, Carol, came later that night and brought work with her. Aside from the desks inside the rooms, they have an executive desk at the foyer. Alas, internet connection was too shabby and I can't also connect to my company VPN. 

Each bedroom has two single beds and an LCD TV. Although the bed is comfy, I was scared of falling off the whole night as I am used to a bigger bed. I got the master bedroom because it has the ensuite bathroom with bathtub. I like the big closet space and ironing board and iron that came with the room. 

We didn't really stayed up too late as we were all exhausted from the day's errands but we managed to get some chikahan in while sipping our alcoholic drinks while the kids are sleeping inside the bedroom. We rarely get the time to be together and these moments are quite precious for us. I feel that we were still the same high school kids with the same big dreams and mischief in our hearts. 

We were quite a bit rushed in the morning as we are trying to catch the breakfast buffet. I don't get the cutoff time for the hotel buffets. I always feel cheated whenever I have to wake up early so I can avail of the meal that comes with my hotel room. 

Since we woke up late and stayed at the cafe for hours, I also felt rushed when taking a bubble bath. I was so looking forward to the bathtub but saved it until the morning because I was so sleepy the night before. Also, the hotel's bathroom amenities did not include a shower gel and I forgot to bring one so I basically used soap water. It wasn't that hard to get in and out of the tub by myself but I did make a mess on the floor because of the water slop. 

All in all, it was a good stay. I am already thinking of booking another 2 bedroom suite for my family's holy week staycation. 

PS - I thought the voucher my friend used was free but it turned out we had to pay Php 6,100 for the stay. I looked at the published rates for the same suite and it's Php 6,500. Can you spell rip-off? I was glad I didn't avail the timeshare offer. 

Losing my head

Or the hair on my head. 


People who knew me knows that when it comes to appearance, I am only vain on two things: my shoes and my hair. Most of my income goes to the upkeep of both. So losing my hair adds more stress to already stressful situation I am in. I've started shedding clumps of hair about two months ago but I attributed it to my scalp getting used to regular shampooing again. However, when it started to come off everytime I brush, or even tug at my hair, I started to worry. Dreading alopecia, I consulted with a dermatologist who diagnosed Telogen Effluvium. 


Telogen effluvium is the name for temporary hair loss due to shedding of resting or telogen hair after some shock to the system. From my research, about 85% of our hair follicles have active growing hair or anagen hair, while the rest are resting hair or telogen hair. It's normal to lose about 100 or so hair when we brush, shower or sleep. However, when there is some shock to the system as many as 70% of the anagen hairs can be pushed into the telogen phase and reverses the process. Which means healthy hair will be pushed out by the resting hair. 


The dermatologist told me that since I had a double whammy, a traumatic accident and major surgery, this precipitated the onset of telogen effluvium. This only became noticeable 2-3 months after the shock. What's more stressful is that there's no cure, you just have to wait it out. She said that shedding is a sign that it's already going back to the old phase. 


In the meantime, thanks to Tita Fanny, I'll try to "encourage" my hair to grow back. PLEASE.

Prosthesis 101

Meet my precioussss.... 

Type: Endoskeletal transtibial prosthesis

Specs:
- Acrylic socket with pelite liner (the fat beige part)
- 3 prong titanium socket adapter
- Aluminum and titanium socket adapter pylon ( (the robocop steel part)
- single axis foot with titanium ankle joint (covered by the shoes)

Donning the prosthetic leg:

1. Clean the stump with soap and warm water
2. Pat dry with a towel
3. Apply Contractubex to scar

       - I apply the ointment to prevent keloids and to increase the elasticity of the skin. I used to have an angry red scar on the area with the remaining bone but has since lightened to kikay pink. The stump doesn't hurt anymore and I have already accidentally banged it several time on various furniture when I forget that it was amputated (my subconcious sometimes thinks that I still have my right leg).


4. Put on socks on stump

       - I am still experimenting with different types of socks since prosthetic supplies are not that readily available in the Philippines. I wrap the stump in an ace bandage when I'm in bed to further promote shrinkage and use a shrinker stocking (the kind used by old people with rheumatism) when wearing the prosthetic. I have a problem with this because the stocking is madulas and I have a bit of pistoning when i walk. Not good, since my gait becomes abnormal. I am trying out now a Puma sport sock without a heel and find it more comfortable although it's mainit.

5. Extend knee and slide in stump, with the leg parallel to the ground.
6. Snap on velcro strap around the thigh. Make sure it's snug but not cutting into the skin.
7. Slowly bend knee and make sure the socket is snug under the knee.

    - there's a little bit of allowance between the socket and the end of the stump and the area around my knee is bearing the weight, so there is no trauma to end of the stump. Since this is just my first prosthesis and I'm a bit on the heavy side, using the vacuum type, which is the most stable and better cosmetically, is not yet advisable. The suspension in the strap type is a bit dodgy but with the right fit, I can regain my normal gait. Probably in a few months :-) I have to return the strap to my prosthetist today because it snaps off when I sit down. Sana wag nya sabihin na papayatin ko na lang hita ko :-(


Standing up and sitting down are production numbers since I'm not yet stable. My supposed "good" leg also has a femoral fracture so I need to grab on to something when I stand and when I sit down. I am using a four-legged walker, which is cumbersome. My physical therapist is training me to use crutches so I can be more mobile and we'll slowly advance to two crutches, then one crutch then just a cane. I'm training myself to take longer strides so I gain more ground. Let's just say I will not run win any walkathon anytime soon. Mas mabilis pa ang marriage ni Kim Kardashian kesa sa lakad ko.  


More updates to come pag nakalakawatsa na ko ng malayo-layo