Grief

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but
for the heart to conquer it.

― Rabindranath Tagore

I am writing this for my sister who is undergoing a tremendous amount of pain right now. I can't compare what I've gone through with what you are going through right now. But I know someone who went through the same thing. Two years ago, I witnessed a mother losing a child right in front of her, while her other two children lay bloodied a few feet away. In my darkest of days, it was her sobbing that haunts me the most. 

She visited me in my hospital room a few days after, looking lost and confused. She was alone and she only speaks a few words of English, but she held my hand and told me she love me. Her companion soon followed and told me they are leaving to return to Indonesia in a few days. They have cremated her son and her two daughters are in stable condition. The mother kept repeating her son's name, somehow reassuring herself, and me, that he had existed. All I can remember after that is a cloud of tears as she requested everyone in the room to pray for me and my healing, when she herself has lost more than I did. 

I've kept in touch with her through Facebook and in every milestone and important events, she sends me one phrase "I love you, Nina". I am in awe of her capacity to love and to keep going through life, when I would have been an embittered husk. 

Sis, you ask me to teach you how to be strong, but this woman, and you, are far stronger than I could ever imagine. Despite my moaning and groaning and endless paawa moments, what I lost can, and have been, replaced. I don't have an easy answer for you, because grief is a bitch. It hits you when you least expect it. It wakes you up in the middle of slumber, like a vise gripping your heart. It makes you crazy, making you sob in the most joyous of moments. You're the only one who would know how it will truly feel like, despite other people telling you that it, too, will come to pass. And that time will ease the pain. It won't but it will make it bearable. 

Mars, I may not always know the correct thing to say, and I'm super makakalimutin nowadays, but know that you are in my thoughts. Kung nagdadasal lang ako, sasabihin ko na din na in my prayers. You may feel that you have to put a brave front, for the sake of your children, and that you have to be the rock in your family. You don't have to be anything. Sabi nga ni pareng Rab ( short for Rabindranath), I pray not for pain in your heart to go away, but for your heart to be big enough to also let love in and share that love with those around you. It may not be soon, and it will definitely not be easy. But I'll be here to offer my shoulder to cry on (wag lang sa right side, di kakayanin ang combined weight nating dalawa) and a ref full of wine to on the days where you just want to be lukaret. 

I love you, Jo :-)

I may be bent but I'll never be broken

It's ironic now when I read my blog banner.

It was a Fight Club quote. I used to pretend (still do) I am Edward Norton's character, a corporate slave by day but really Tyler Durden in my head. I fulfill this Tyler Durden fantasy when I travel: everything in life gets the volume turned down. All the work stress, the family drama, heart woes, nothing mattered but what I am experiencing and seeing at the moment. The grittier the experience, the better. It makes me feel alive, connected. I wanted to touch everything, eat everything, smell everything. Anything but my real-life sanitized environment where the closest relationship I have is with my keyboard. 

Now it has come true, I will never be perfect and I will never be complete again.. And despite everything that happened, I'm still grateful.

I left Prey Veng, Cambodia on the dawn of July 31st a broken woman.  At approximately 4am, my old life ended with a bang. Literally. When I opened my eyes, I expected to be dead already. The news reports surrounding my accident has already rehashed how I kept my wits and checked myself for injuries, reciting the alphabet in my head and did some complex multiplication to make sure I'm not bleeding from my brains . How I stashed a copy of my passport in my bra in case the police needed to identify my corpse.What people doesn't know is that for the 2 hours that I was stuck in there, I was scared and I wanted my daddy. And I want the crying woman in front of me, who is hugging her dying son and whose other two daughters are bleeding beside me, to stop because it breaks my heart. How I longed for someone to make eye contact with me so I can tell them to please be careful with my mangled body. And that when I was finally loaded into an ambulance and got to see the extent of my injuries, I laughed. I laughed at the absurdity of my situation, laughed at the thought that I will not be an inspirational disabled person, laughed at the thought na masamang damo talaga ko, I'm still alive.

I am now entering my 3rd month without my leg, or an RBKA (Right below knee amputee)  in amputee parlance. And life's both a bitch and a breeze. I live with pain everyday but I have my family's love and support 24/7. I'm officially bionic because of the hardware in my left leg and I am 130 pounds of pure upper body strength. I am shopping for a new leg like I'm shopping for a new car: I think of suspension, how much mileage I can get out of it, what accessories will fit my lifesyle. I have an entourage: an orthopedist, a physical therapist, a prosthetist and my brother as my personal nurse. I never expected it, but a lot of people has come into my life and further enriched it. Strangers, fellow victims, friends I've reconnected with, acquaintances I have long ignored.

I can say I am a changed woman, in more ways than one. But my journey has just begun.
May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me from being perfect and complete

Let's start with a Plath quote

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am"

I'm writing this because today, I gave up. I suffered 5 minutes of pure, unadulterated pain under the hands of a callous nurse when changing my dressing. The pain in the stump subsided right after he left but it crept through my heart. For about half an hour, I wept. I grieved the loss of my independence, wept for the pain that is coming in the next few days, weeks, months, shamed of the brave front I have been wearing, I just want it all to stop. I want to hit pause, rewind and get back to the last day of my old life. But it doesn't work that way, thus the quote.

Now, I just want to write about the things I look forward to when this is all over. Instead if hitting rewind, let's fast-forward, shall we?

1. I miss the love-love kisses from my nephew when I come home at 12 midnight. Like her tita, my nephew, who calls me Ate, is a raging insomniac. The love-love sessions usually occur after I hand over my daily pasalubong, him giving me a bear hug and a thousand kisses, me pretending to be absolutely disgusted . I miss dancing along with him to Glee songs (we love Valerie) and singing along to metal (Korn and Nine Inch Nails preferably). I vow to bring Oreos and Yakult everyday and resist the temptation to make him cry because he looks so freaken' adorable when he does.

2. I miss street food - kwek-kwek, banana-q, fishballs/squidballs/chickenballs sa fire station, barbeque sa kanto ng zoble, inihaw na hotdog na iba ang lasa kesa prito sa bahay. Fine, titirahin ko na din ang isaw, balut at betamax. I wanna go back to Elbi and eat Pappu's siomai, orlian sa grove, proven malapit sa whitehouse, fried siomai sa sEx, Mernel's cake, Bugong sa Vega.

3. I miss my legs. Not just the amputated one, but the pre-tabatsoy legs. My mom used to hoard Avon lotions to undo my tween bakokang days. Growing up with three brothers and dozens of male cousins, I had my collection of scrapes and scars and my mother's biggest fear is that I grow up with ugly legs. Yep, my momma didn't aspire that I grow up pretty or smart or talented, just that I grow up with amazing legs. Sorry Ma, after the physical therapy and all that, mag-lolotion ako araw-araw.

   

4. I miss artsy-fartsy nights -- red horse Saguijo nights with George, Cubao X with Alejandro and Kuch, bottles of wine with Brandy and Monet at The Collective. I have yet to dine at Van Gogh is Bipolar and experience an earth jam at Ayuyang. I will hold movie marathons at my house based on directors and film genre and compare people's reviews before and after they were drunk.  I draw the line at slam poetry nights, though.

5. Speaking of movies, I will watch more 3D movies with Bebe, alhtough it gives me one hell of a headache. Can somebody tell me which is better - putting your eyeglasses under or over the 3D glasses?

6. I miss MEMA lunch (dinner?) dates with Madamme and Paige and the daily piece of heaven that is Ricelab's lemon square. Also, the daily tsismis-fests with Jake, Esgee, Arls and Mich at the pantry when I'm having my first coffee at lunchtime. I now lift the boycott  for the food provider at the Ops pantry after the catering brouhaha, because I heard they have great viands sometimes.

7. I miss cooking pasta at 2am, when the hunger pangs strike and the ulam in the fridge just won't suffice. I learned how to cook during the godforsaken early hours of dawn. I still follow Jillian's menudo recipe to the letter and use adobo mix instead of the real vinegar/soy sauce deal, but what the heck. I didn't say I learned how to cook WELL.

8. I will shop for more shoes. Nothing beats the rush of buying something pretty and is there a more beautiful thing that a new pair of shoes? I'll probably buy flats for the rest of my life, but hey, I already had my day of rocking slamming stilletoes.

9. I will climb the Great Wall of China, dammit. I have purchased several tickets to Beijing on numerous occasions, only to have the trip cancelled for whatever reason. I will learn how to use chopsticks (my new year's resolution for the last seven years). I'm salivating at the thought of the noodles and duck and dimsum  waiting for me in China.

10. We will have more family trips - to Boracay on Devin's next brithday, picnics at the Lamesa Dam, Enchanted Kingdom on Christmas, the Aguilar-Abad family outing in Laiya, hitting the buffets with my brothers, the promised Disneyland trip with Bebe  - probably next year na lang Beb :-(

11. Lastly, I will walk the aisle on Kit's wedding. Payat na ko by that time. And hold my first niece in my arms when she arrives in November.

There, I'm over it. I will probably give up again tomorrow so I might have another list. Or I can file a restraining order against the nurse. If only I can remember how he looks like. Shoot, they all look the same.