PTSD - or arte as they call it

I have neglected this blog for several months because, frankly, I have nothing to write about. I haven't been on the road since my last trip to Tagaytay with my friends back in June. I was supposed to leave for my first trip to Hongkong in August and then another trip to Singapore a couple of months back but I begged off because of work. Well, partly. The truth is, I'm scared of travelling. Particularly, I'm scared to be on the road again.

Bravado can only take me so far. But when faced with a real-life situation, I fall into pieces. At least, inside I was. The official diagnosis was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Wikipedia defines PTSD as:

a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma.^[1][2][3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual's ability to cope

(from http://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/complex-ptsd/)

Symptoms include intense negative feelings of  fear, helplessness or horror (check), re-experiencing the original trauma through flashbacks or nightmares (check on flashbacks), avoidance of stimuli associated with trauma (will never ride on a bus ever again) and increased hypervigilance (check. I'm always in a relaxed crash position everytime I ride a motor vehicle. Kung pwede lang magseatbelt pag nakasakay sa tricycle, gagawin ko).

It hurts me when people tell me to "get over it" or conclude that I'm milking my accident whenever I express my fears. It makes me feel maarte or that my feelings are trivial. I have tried to overcome it, I still do in a daily basis. I have stopped talking about my reservations to people and I put a brave front every single day. But it's hard. I feel that in any given second, I will die, and the worse thing is, I feel that everyone I love will die too everytime we're together in the same car. Maybe it's because I witnessed a whole family injured when I had my accident and how painful it is to see a loved one dying before your eyes. I'm not scared to die. I was surprised I didn't die. I don't want anybody else in my family or anybody I know experience what I did.

I guess time will run it's course, just like how my limbs adapted to my new normal. In the meantime, forgive me if I cringe everytime I'm on the road. I'm really trying to be better.

I may be bent but I'll never be broken

It's ironic now when I read my blog banner.

It was a Fight Club quote. I used to pretend (still do) I am Edward Norton's character, a corporate slave by day but really Tyler Durden in my head. I fulfill this Tyler Durden fantasy when I travel: everything in life gets the volume turned down. All the work stress, the family drama, heart woes, nothing mattered but what I am experiencing and seeing at the moment. The grittier the experience, the better. It makes me feel alive, connected. I wanted to touch everything, eat everything, smell everything. Anything but my real-life sanitized environment where the closest relationship I have is with my keyboard. 

Now it has come true, I will never be perfect and I will never be complete again.. And despite everything that happened, I'm still grateful.

I left Prey Veng, Cambodia on the dawn of July 31st a broken woman.  At approximately 4am, my old life ended with a bang. Literally. When I opened my eyes, I expected to be dead already. The news reports surrounding my accident has already rehashed how I kept my wits and checked myself for injuries, reciting the alphabet in my head and did some complex multiplication to make sure I'm not bleeding from my brains . How I stashed a copy of my passport in my bra in case the police needed to identify my corpse.What people doesn't know is that for the 2 hours that I was stuck in there, I was scared and I wanted my daddy. And I want the crying woman in front of me, who is hugging her dying son and whose other two daughters are bleeding beside me, to stop because it breaks my heart. How I longed for someone to make eye contact with me so I can tell them to please be careful with my mangled body. And that when I was finally loaded into an ambulance and got to see the extent of my injuries, I laughed. I laughed at the absurdity of my situation, laughed at the thought that I will not be an inspirational disabled person, laughed at the thought na masamang damo talaga ko, I'm still alive.

I am now entering my 3rd month without my leg, or an RBKA (Right below knee amputee)  in amputee parlance. And life's both a bitch and a breeze. I live with pain everyday but I have my family's love and support 24/7. I'm officially bionic because of the hardware in my left leg and I am 130 pounds of pure upper body strength. I am shopping for a new leg like I'm shopping for a new car: I think of suspension, how much mileage I can get out of it, what accessories will fit my lifesyle. I have an entourage: an orthopedist, a physical therapist, a prosthetist and my brother as my personal nurse. I never expected it, but a lot of people has come into my life and further enriched it. Strangers, fellow victims, friends I've reconnected with, acquaintances I have long ignored.

I can say I am a changed woman, in more ways than one. But my journey has just begun.
May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me from being perfect and complete

This is one of the articles written by an organization sister and journalist, Lhen Paredes.

Having just one leg doesn’t change everything

The amazing optimism of a travel enthusiast who survived a bus crash in Cambodia

By: Arlene Paredes
Philippine Daily Inquirer 1:27 am | Saturday, August 6th, 2011

A short vacation has gone horribly wrong, and now a young woman determined to bounce back from a tragedy needs our help.
On board Kampuchea Angkor Express, a double-decker bus in Cambodia, 30-year-old Nina Kristine Abad was asleep. It was a Monday, about 4 o’clock in the morning, and her bus was in Peam Ro District, Prey Veng, en route to Vietnam. She was seated on the right side, second row at the top deck.
Nina’s peaceful slumber was interrupted by a massive impact from outside the right side of the bus. Jolted to wakefulness, she knew right away the bus was in an accident, and it was not a minor one.
Over the phone, Nina calmly recounted how she went through the ordeal. She said, “The first thing I did, I checked my teeth, my collarbone, and my eyes.” She felt lucky that her head was resting on a pillow by the window, which cushioned the impact somehow.
Lucid
It quickly occurred to her to check how lucid she was, so Nina did a few multiplications and even recited the alphabet in her head. She felt sure she would come out of the accident alive—except she could not move from her seat, as her legs were pinned down by a steel part of the bus.
An Indonesian guy in the first row was not as lucky. His side heavily absorbed the collision, causing him to suffer head injuries.
Not losing clarity and courage, Nina took comfort in knowing that she could think straight and she was “okay” from head to waist. She then pulled out her cell phone from her sling bag and texted her father and brother. “I told them I was in a crash, and they should let the embassy know.”
It would later be reported that the bus had careened to the right and hit a huge truck filled with corn. It took over an hour before the passengers were removed from the wreckage, with about seven of them suffering major injuries, two of whom did not survive.
The first hospital Nina was brought to was only about 20 minutes away, but did not have the facilities to completely attend to her injuries. She was then rushed to Calmette Hospital in Phnom Penh, where she is now confined.
“I am receiving the best medical attention,” Nina said, noting that a doctor once politely asked if she had any idea how she’d pay for all the expenses. She told him with a smile, “I’ll worry about it later.” She was sure she will get all the help she would need.
Nina is the only girl and the eldest among four siblings. She lives in Quezon City with a 16-year-old brother whom she is supporting through college, while her only surviving parent, her father, is based in Laguna, where he works as  a quality manager.
Asked if she had travel insurance, Nina said that is one of the things she would like to tell other travelers—get insurance before traveling. “I always thought that if the plane crashed, I’d die, anyway,” Nina mused, chuckling, realizing that she did not consider road accidents. It was Nina’s first solo trip.
Driver at large
There were 34 passengers on the bus. Other foreign tourists came from South Korea, Spain, and Ireland. The accident is still under investigation, while the driver, who reportedly fled the scene, is still at large as of press time. An online news article quoted Peam Ro District Police Chief Seng Ponlok as saying, “We think that it was caused by the driver being sleepy.”
Asked if she has some advice to give to travel enthusiasts like her, Nina said, “Don’t ride the night bus.”  Nina realized that the night driver could have also driven during the day and was probably tired.
Bubbly and buoyant despite the tragedy, Nina has been an inspiration to the Filipinos who have been visiting her since Day 1.  “I’m in high spirits” was the first thing she said to this writer when asked how she is doing.
The Philippine Consulate in Cambodia was quick to offer assistance to Nina. They transferred her to a more convenient room and hired a Cambodian to look after her.
The day after the accident, the condition of her legs were explained to her. Bones in her right leg had been badly crushed. “I already had a feeling since the accident that I may have to lose a leg,” Nina said, turning serious for a second without a hint of remorse or regret in her voice. When she was pulled from the wreckage, Nina saw that her left leg looked broken, but her right leg had it worse.
Lawyer Norman Corneros, the Philippine Embassy’s representative, explained to Nina, with the assistance of a Cambodian interpreter, the content of the consent form that she was asked to sign prior to the amputation.
A true optimist, Nina said, “They cut below the knee, and I know there are prosthetics available so I know I’ll be all right.” Her doctor said she could be ready for a skin grafting in 10 days, after which her wound will be closed up and she could be ready to travel via an air ambulance. Nina needs help in making arrangements for that, and she needs good orthopedics for her rehabilitation and further medical procedures.
Never alone
Filipinos living in Cambodia who read about the accident on The Cambodian Daily have flocked to visit Nina and cheer her up.   “I was never alone. I love the people here. I love Cambodia. I’m not traumatized or anything, I’ll definitely come back to Cambodia.”
Support quickly poured from friends and loved ones. Friends from UPLB Development Communicators’ Society (DevComSoc) rallied online after having learned of her situation. Using social networks Facebook and Twitter, Benjamin Delos Santos sought help from friends to call on the media and reach out to friends and connections in Cambodia to report on Nina’s condition and visit her at the hospital.
Mylene Malabanan, a Filipina based in Cambodia, says in her email, “Ang tapang nya!”
Short overseas trips usually mean relaxing pleasures. After a break, things generally go “back to normal” upon landing home. How will it be for Nina?
“I don’t see any change happening other than I may have to use prosthetics to walk again,” Nina said decisively, with her hopes set on seeing her friends and family again. “Gala ka kasi ng gala,” a friend joked, to which she replied, “Hindi ako titigil, no? If I could walk again, the next destination is The Great Wall of China.”
Even after the tragedy, things will go back to normal for Nina, who has the tenacity of a true fighter and a beyond-normal zest for life. But financially, she needs as much help as she can get.
As Nina has her ATM in Cambodia, she has requested her trusted friend Sheena Padilla to take care of all the help she can get.

E-mail the author at lhenparedes@gmail.com.

Let's start with a Plath quote

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am"

I'm writing this because today, I gave up. I suffered 5 minutes of pure, unadulterated pain under the hands of a callous nurse when changing my dressing. The pain in the stump subsided right after he left but it crept through my heart. For about half an hour, I wept. I grieved the loss of my independence, wept for the pain that is coming in the next few days, weeks, months, shamed of the brave front I have been wearing, I just want it all to stop. I want to hit pause, rewind and get back to the last day of my old life. But it doesn't work that way, thus the quote.

Now, I just want to write about the things I look forward to when this is all over. Instead if hitting rewind, let's fast-forward, shall we?

1. I miss the love-love kisses from my nephew when I come home at 12 midnight. Like her tita, my nephew, who calls me Ate, is a raging insomniac. The love-love sessions usually occur after I hand over my daily pasalubong, him giving me a bear hug and a thousand kisses, me pretending to be absolutely disgusted . I miss dancing along with him to Glee songs (we love Valerie) and singing along to metal (Korn and Nine Inch Nails preferably). I vow to bring Oreos and Yakult everyday and resist the temptation to make him cry because he looks so freaken' adorable when he does.

2. I miss street food - kwek-kwek, banana-q, fishballs/squidballs/chickenballs sa fire station, barbeque sa kanto ng zoble, inihaw na hotdog na iba ang lasa kesa prito sa bahay. Fine, titirahin ko na din ang isaw, balut at betamax. I wanna go back to Elbi and eat Pappu's siomai, orlian sa grove, proven malapit sa whitehouse, fried siomai sa sEx, Mernel's cake, Bugong sa Vega.

3. I miss my legs. Not just the amputated one, but the pre-tabatsoy legs. My mom used to hoard Avon lotions to undo my tween bakokang days. Growing up with three brothers and dozens of male cousins, I had my collection of scrapes and scars and my mother's biggest fear is that I grow up with ugly legs. Yep, my momma didn't aspire that I grow up pretty or smart or talented, just that I grow up with amazing legs. Sorry Ma, after the physical therapy and all that, mag-lolotion ako araw-araw.

   

4. I miss artsy-fartsy nights -- red horse Saguijo nights with George, Cubao X with Alejandro and Kuch, bottles of wine with Brandy and Monet at The Collective. I have yet to dine at Van Gogh is Bipolar and experience an earth jam at Ayuyang. I will hold movie marathons at my house based on directors and film genre and compare people's reviews before and after they were drunk.  I draw the line at slam poetry nights, though.

5. Speaking of movies, I will watch more 3D movies with Bebe, alhtough it gives me one hell of a headache. Can somebody tell me which is better - putting your eyeglasses under or over the 3D glasses?

6. I miss MEMA lunch (dinner?) dates with Madamme and Paige and the daily piece of heaven that is Ricelab's lemon square. Also, the daily tsismis-fests with Jake, Esgee, Arls and Mich at the pantry when I'm having my first coffee at lunchtime. I now lift the boycott  for the food provider at the Ops pantry after the catering brouhaha, because I heard they have great viands sometimes.

7. I miss cooking pasta at 2am, when the hunger pangs strike and the ulam in the fridge just won't suffice. I learned how to cook during the godforsaken early hours of dawn. I still follow Jillian's menudo recipe to the letter and use adobo mix instead of the real vinegar/soy sauce deal, but what the heck. I didn't say I learned how to cook WELL.

8. I will shop for more shoes. Nothing beats the rush of buying something pretty and is there a more beautiful thing that a new pair of shoes? I'll probably buy flats for the rest of my life, but hey, I already had my day of rocking slamming stilletoes.

9. I will climb the Great Wall of China, dammit. I have purchased several tickets to Beijing on numerous occasions, only to have the trip cancelled for whatever reason. I will learn how to use chopsticks (my new year's resolution for the last seven years). I'm salivating at the thought of the noodles and duck and dimsum  waiting for me in China.

10. We will have more family trips - to Boracay on Devin's next brithday, picnics at the Lamesa Dam, Enchanted Kingdom on Christmas, the Aguilar-Abad family outing in Laiya, hitting the buffets with my brothers, the promised Disneyland trip with Bebe  - probably next year na lang Beb :-(

11. Lastly, I will walk the aisle on Kit's wedding. Payat na ko by that time. And hold my first niece in my arms when she arrives in November.

There, I'm over it. I will probably give up again tomorrow so I might have another list. Or I can file a restraining order against the nurse. If only I can remember how he looks like. Shoot, they all look the same.